gandhi didn't die

let me be your downfall

2004-07-09T08:19:07Z

"watching the flashbacks intertwine"

can you see the pale moonlight reflected against the ripples of the water? do you feel the cool summer night breeze brush against your bare back? i want to swim until every ounce of strength has left my arms and legs. i want to feel the relief that comes with complete exhaustion. i want that feeling, that realization that no more can be done, that it's all out of your hands now... just give in to the tiredness and let the water embrace you in its arms. what goes through your mind then i wonder? what do you feel as the last gasps of oxygen reach your brain? and what is the first thing you see when you wash up coughing against the muddy riverbank? do you see life differently? are your eyes now more clear? have you managed to find passion where there was none previously? have you discovered a meaning that was lacking before?
-------
my mind is a dijointed mosaic with pieces stolen from stills from cherished movies, chords from favorite songs, words from well-worn pages of much-loved books, and hazy memories of places and people and times. but i can't make out what the mosaic is supposed to be. all i see is a cacophony without any order, without semblance of form. there's a sadness that you can't drown with a drink or suffocate with smoke or replace with company or ignore with work... it's the sadness that no moment will ever come close to matching this one right now. you'll never be more beautiful to me than you are right now. and i will never love you more than right now, looking at you out of the corner of my eye from a distance.
-------
she asked me where had i been, and i didn't know what to tell her. i hate lying to her. i hate how she sees through all my bullshit. i hate how naked i always feel in front of her, i hate how perfect she is. i hate making her cry. i hate that she loves me so much. and when she asks me where have i been, i tell her i was with you. i tell her that i took you to all our special places and watched all our special films with you. i tell her that i kissed you in the rain under that tree where i first met her. and finally i tell her, that i'm in love with you.
-------

chew on this

2004-07-08T22:44:47Z

a few days ago i had a dream that i was sitting in my backyard when i saw this huge plane spin out of control and crash a few hundred yards from my home. i went online to see if there is any significance to all of this, and here is what i found:

Airplane Crash
To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

interesting. the next day i had a dream about being in an exam, but not knowing any of the answers and consequently failing. here's what they had to say about that:

To dream that you are taking an exam, indicates that you are being put to the test or being scrutinized in some way. Such dreams highlight your feelings of being anxious and agitated. You may find that you cannot answer any of the questions on the test or that the test is in some foreign language. Is time running out and you find that you can not complete the exam in the allowed time? Or are you late to the exam? Does your pencil keep breaking during the exam? Such factors contribute to you failing this test. These dreams usually have to do with your self-esteem and confidence or your lack of. You are worried that you are not making the grade and measuring up to other people's expectations of you. You may also experience the fear of not being accepted, not being prepared, or not being good enough. You feel nervous, insecure and tend to believe the worst about yourself.

strange...

the nitecap

2004-07-07T06:16:15Z

its as simple as something that nobody knows and my eyes are as big as her bubbly toes...

been home for four days, and already feeling a bit stale. tomorrow i should start the undertaking of some projects. film first, writing second. technically the writing has to come before the film. so lets see what happens tomorrow. i should hopefully get a solid treatment on paper for this never-ending dream of mine to have a solid film done by the end of the summer. rooftop films 2005...rooftop films 2005...

also, im starting the research process for the lsat. yipes, standardized tests return to haunt me. i was going through one of my brother's old lsat books, just to get a feel for some example questions, considering i have/had no idea what the hell the test was about. let me just say, it does not take a genius to master that test, but, it does take a lot of preparation. and for once, time is on my side.

meet me in the mind.

Pre-Hyptnotized Peter

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blah blah blah

2004-07-06T06:10:44Z

and now, a poem:

i gather up
each sound
you left behind
and stretch them
on our bed
each night
i breathe you
and become high.

california

2004-07-05T04:55:17Z

you can't mess with home.

seriously.

go anywhere you want for college. travel 3,000 miles east, get as far away as you possibly can.

but you just can't mess with the feeling of coming home after six months of dealing with the worst accent in the history of the universe, boston.

oh there are the benefits. but they are outweighed by the never-ending winter months.

so to conclude: college is great, but when you get to come home, plan on doing nothing.

which is why i am so glad to be back.

walked away

2004-06-25T17:59:41Z

heard them say, poisoned hearts will never change. turned away in disgrace, felt the chill upon my face. hard to notice, gleaming from the sky, when you're staring at the cracks. hard to notice what is passing by, with eyes lowered.

you'll have to excuse the somberness of this entry, but im on the cusp of a weekend full of work. but on the upside, i did wind up getting a handsome paycheck from ye olde babson library for 234 buxx.

so here's the work i need to complete this weekend

1. finish reading i begin my life all over, 180 pages
2. complete take-home portion of quiz 3
3. complete first draft of paper 2, 10 pages
4. study for quiz 4 on monday
5. compile exhibits and assignments into portfolio
6. stat problem set 6

oh the joys of summer school

just one more week of this...

with everything i know you're made of

2004-06-21T03:31:44Z

if everyone would stop and listen.

can you hear me? or has my voice been lost in the cacophony of jarring sounds of competing voices, the beating of a thousand hearts not in sync, or the varied grasping of air of a thousand pair of lungs?

did God look down on me as i looked up up at him? or does God avoid evangelical cathedrals built to house a royal family crypt?

there's something soothing about being out late at night. it's so quiet. everything is so much clearer. you have blissful slumber to look forward to. everything gets old after a while. people, relationships, places, money, clothes, toys... they all lose their luster. you think a girl is so beautiful and then you undo the wrapping and find out that all is not what you hoped it would be. life is so real and so exhilirating while you're playing. but when you walk out with your wallet full of money it didn't have before, it doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. it was like a mirage. and even the money doesn't really change anything. what's another pair of pumas or another lacoste polo? what's another overpriced dinner with another cute girl? how has life changed?

there's something scary about life getting stale. there's something scary about not truly knowing who you are. one day you realize that you've been so scared of being stereotyped that you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. you don't remember why buying those things and hanging out with certain people and going to certain clubs and drinking hard, and all those other things were so important. who were you trying to impress?

can't we all just get along?

2004-06-18T08:24:40Z

im editing this for the purpose of maintaining my sanity.

why the summer kicks ass

2004-06-02T18:18:13Z

because only during this time of year can you actually get all your work done by 5 PM, and have an entire evening to do whatever the feezy you want.

i got a job working at the babson library. its a decent way to make some cash while simultaneously being forced into a homework frame of mind.

i want to do something to my car. something that just says naaaaaaaaasty. im figuring with the money ill start saving from this job, i could potentially afford either a set of some decent rims, or perhaps a nice body kit.

working on my night moves y'all

and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

2004-05-18T07:21:51Z

sometimes, even i am at a loss for words.

its 3:15 AM, and suddenly im inspired to write something. nothing fancy, spectacular, or important. just something that hasn't been said in quite some time. without much ado...

if the eurythmics were to make another album, i'd buy it. seriously, i am not joking on this one. i can rock out to sweet dreams any day of the week.

bob segar should be credited as the stimulus behind the growing epidemic of teenage pregnancies. how can you listen to his music and not wanna get freaky?

the lead singer of new found glory has the funniest voice in music. funny because its so strange, but it works for their band. oh yeah, their new cd, catalyst, excellent.

away from music for a moment, has anyone else realized that the nba playoffs this year have been nothing short of spectacular. i mean, jesus jones, how many heart attacks have you had so far?

love exists in forms and in phases, and ive reached a point where i can't be bothered. seriously ladies, unless your name is nadia and you come from germany, and want to explore the foundations of the english language in bed, im not down.

and its all downhill from here...

marx

2004-05-08T03:58:07Z

i'm writing my term paper in my classics course on marx-engels philosophies. actually, ive somehow concocted a formulae that explains revoultion. my hope, is to come up with a scale that can attach numerical values to each element of the equation, so i can value the german/french/russian revolutions. with those values, i can then go on to say that marx and engels were idiots or were genuises.

its pretty extensive, and there's so much research behind it. so far, i've got some 17 pages of just handwritten notes, in no particular order. just facts about the men and their communist minds.

i know this sounds boring, but its actually ridiculously fascinating. imagine giving something as powerful as a revolution a numerical value, and quarterbacking the success of each one by analyzing the components and weighing the final output and comparing the numerical response to the physical/historical response.

how this relates to marx? well, if you must know...marx is the man that said revolution can only be achieved through the swift and productive deployment of the proletariat. by breaking the proletariat into pieces that can be manipulated, the scope and impact of the impending revolution drastically changes. once you move one piece, the whole puzzle begins to take new shape.

its vague at the moment, and i haven't worked on all the possible angles and visible faults. but by sunday ill have it all covered, and a working 20 page draft to review throughout the week, whilst i write my other two papers.

oh the joys of college. =)

apathy

2004-05-02T02:44:27Z

things that must be completed this week:

write/edit classics second paper
complete two short essay's for civ
develop thesis for civ paper/gather resources for bibliography
write/edit classics final paper which so happens to be due the week after our second paper
complete mundane stat assignments
complete even more mundane economic assignments

further down the river.

2004-04-26T06:34:26Z

almighty gods of knowledge and such:

you win.

seriously, i spent the entire weekend working on assignments in all my classes, and im dead. dead dead dead.

i have a horribly busy day tomorrow, matter of fact, the rest of the week. so to bed i go...

garden state

2004-04-18T06:52:39Z

so im running through the imdb archives, and i stumble across a movie i had completley forgotten about, garden state. written by zach braff, with peter sarsgaard (shattered glass) and natalie portman (the professional, star wars...), this movie looks to be great.

the story is based on a character (zach braff) returning to his estranged family after 10 odd years to be present at his mother's funeral. what he uncovers during his return is what is to be of most interest. but, i speak for myself when i say that im only interested in cinematography.

two movies i will be seeing soon: kill bill 2, and the punisher.

and if you don't know, then now you know.

i bloom baum

2004-04-08T04:54:53Z

there's a place called ocean avenue...

this has to be one of the clearest entries ive given in quite some time. tonight, i made a firm decision to pursue a writing career. i will continue to study business, but im going to start writing more articles, anything really about any topic for no rewards other than to get better.

where i used to sit and talk with you...

couches, chairs, stools, floors, walls, boxes, tables, anything. each day a different location. it never mattered, but it was worth realizing. one of those things you pick up on when you're paranoid i guess. thats what they keep saying, but i just dont believe it. i mean fuck, paranoid? what do these fuckers think i am, a psycho? i know i was never a perfect person, but i never made a promise like that. fuck, why would i do that to myself, let alone anyone else.

we were both sixteen and it felt so right...

but even if she never believed me, it doesn't matter. who cares, right? drunken thoughts and a sober mind. a scorned lover's primary weapon and best friend. they say you are the company you keep. well, jack and daniels are always there to keep me smiling. sometimes ole jonny walker pays a visit, the absolut family vacations outside of the soviet union, and my friends the cerveza's do the road trip thing, packing up the station wagon, and rolling up the 101 to play games on my tennis table. fun guys, really.

sleeping all day, staying up all night...

insomniac is a funny word. if anything, its different. not your standard diction. something about its content suggests something a bit twisted, skewed, fucked up. its the somn part that makes you wonder. has an evil connotation, doesn't it. like when they sat down and made words, they expected people like us to sit and ponder the compostion of letters to find answers to questions that can never be answered. bet the kids on them sitting up there in heaven laughing their fat white asses off. shit, i would. but im not white. so i cant relate.

there's a place on the corner of cherry street...

what does it mean if you're not white? makes you less of a person? some would argue that, some would disagree. some sit on the fence, some are too afraid to think about it. i hit each of those pitstops, and here i am, somewhere between heaven and hell, no answer, just hanging onto purgatory for dear life. there's another sexy word, purgatory. kinda rolls off the tounge in the beginning, but fades. like everything else....(thats the id talking)

we would walk on the beach both barefeet...

at times im part of the maddness. sometimes it just wont stand. i like the chaos. we relate well. tension gets my blood up. anger, frustration, angst, all words that sauce my mind. testosterone goes ablaze and im thinking about hitting somebody. the last time i punched someone it hurt. my hand was swollen for three days. dislocated a finger. didnt tell my parents, i knew shit would hit the fan. this was something like two years ago. over a girl. a fucking girl. girls make me sick.

we were both eighteen and it felt so right...

some people are waiting for a special occasion to give away their hearts. and it makes me sad at times. the other day i took pictures of people on the train. not so much discretion, but there was an emphasis on lovers. and dont worry, im not stalking the citizens of boston. no need to hide the kids. i was nice, asking for permission and all. but the point was something greater. and the sad part is im not sure what that point was. just felt that urge. like this was going to something i would benefit from. ever get those. i love those.

sleeping all day staying up all night...

i should write something. but i need coffee or redbull. juice would be good. tropicana orange juice. ill write something and reward myself like charlie kauffman. but he just wound up with a dead twin. thats not at all what im gunning for. new role model, the guy who did those meinike commercials back in the day. george foreman. the boxer turned grill. nice guy. fat big guy. kinda silly looking. now thats what im gunning for. irony perhaps, just coming to terms with happiness.

if i could find you now things would get better...we could leave this town and run forever...let your waves crash down on me and take me away...

daylight savings

2004-04-04T08:05:40Z

so its been a blast since george got here from sunny california. we've been doing much of the things i intended to do while i was in boston, sightseeing and such.

one more hour of sun is great, but one less hour of sleep is not. true, i love seeing the sunset at 8, but i also like waking up at 11 instead of 12. just my 2 cents.

shopping on newbury was fun though. and it was fun watching a drunk gina avoid a ticket from down the road in my car. if you dont understand, basically, gina was driving around drunk like a dumb bitch and got pulled over while on the phone with ale. so somehow she avoided a ticket, and i watched the whole proceeding from down the street in my parked bmw. fun times with cops.

assholes at bk were trying to start shit with us. we were not having it. period.

hellboy was a waste of money. it started out interesting, but quickly faded, and by the end, i was getting busted for being asleep. no joke. the only cool part was the german assasin. that guy was fucking sick. seriously, the first time you see him on screen, he intimidates the hell out of you with his full face mask. deceptive and nefarious.

tired and frustrated with myself

2004-04-02T11:25:19Z

this particular entry is three-fold. first and foremost, i need to apologize to everyone thats had to deal with me this semester. second, to reach out to a friend that's had my back since day one, and will always be there for me. and third, to try and wake myself from this eternal slumber.

part i.

i was standing in the rain for about ten minutes today. i let the water soak my shirt until i felt cold, but for some reason, i felt no need to go inside. i mean, i was freezing, but i just didn't want to go back 'there', where the saftey, comfort, and security is. its quite silly actually. i can wax philosophic about the disenchanting qualities of being a conformist, but ironically that action actually makes me a 21st century hip-nouveau conformist of sorts. like seriously, everything that americans used to love but now hate cannot be hated on, for fear that you can get labeled as trying to 'fit a part' or attempting to be one of those enlightened hippie-type political junkies that roams the college quad handing out pamphlets in birkenstocks while the dave matthews cassettes fall from your cargo pant pocket onto the beach towel you're using for protection from the gravel. bah. when did it become so wrong to be what you are. to confess, i wake up and feel as though im not happy with what i am, what ive become, and what i will be.

regrets. all i have these days are regrets. i wish i didnt do this, i wish i'd never tried doing that. i wish i never met him, her, them. i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish i could wake up and not have to deal with these insecurites. does it amaze anyone else that im so confused. think about how simple it is for me to fix my problems, but then remind yourself that im completley incapable of taking control of a good situation, or remedying a bad one. so i have to just do with what i can bring to the table, that being my word. and for what its worth, im sorry to everyone that has been within a 4 mile radius of me this semester. im tired, angry, hella confused, and worried. im looking over my shoulder everyday for one reason or another, and ive not been able to come to grips why. i feel the chill of someone breathing down my neck, but when i turn there's no face there to greet me. im haunted by memories of the those who've slipped away. her. she's always there. her god damn eyes. her face. her smile. her laugh. lord she wreaks havoc on my mind.

part ii.

beautiful days are long gone// i can't seem to breathe// seems that it hasn't been that long, since you walked away from me// now i can try to act real strong// but you and i both know i still think of you that way// you should know that// beautiful lights and star filled nights// they dont mean a thing// cause you are my star// so it dont seem right// without you here with me// now i can try to act real strong// but you and i know both know its hard for me to say that you were my soul// now i could say that i dont love you no more// and i could say that ive closed the door to our love// and i could tell you im feeling its time for us to go our separate ways// but baby i just wouldnt feel the same// cause girl youre love is still on my brain

its not like, that since im in this situation that ive suddenly had a change of heart. cause it remains that its always been about you. always. and ive tried to hide it, and ive tried to deny it, but the fact remains, that its always been about you. always. je t'aime?

part iii.

i shouldnt even have to put this into words. FUCK THE WORLD, and fuck me for not realizing this sooner. i was wrong for sleepin, nay though for the future. if you're upset, take it up with me the next time i give a shit. everyone wants a fucking piece of me these days. im so stretched out, i cant breathe. do this for me, do that, let me try and steal this, or abuse that. no one person did this more than anyone else. but while the rest of the world decides to make themselves a priority while i put everything on hold to help others get through THEIR shit, they dont even have the decency to give me a minutes worth of quality time. so, whats to do. for starters, fuck you all. everyone has had millions of chances for showing me that they care, and i dont give a fuck if ive done nothing special for you. i do it, you say thanks. thats how it goes. you do it for me, i pay you back. thats MORE than what im asking you to do. i just want you to appreciate me for what ive done. plain and simple.

its simple really, aside from no one reading this, i can still say that people, always always make sure that they are one hundred and eighty percent taken care of before they acknowledge anyone else. and ive decided to implement this strategy in my life. to the people that actually understand and sympathize with me, i know who you are. to those of you who don't seem to share my sentiments, then you are undoubtedly the subject of my diatribe. i need to vent because it seems it takes some sort of drastic action for an individual to completley understand how one truely feels. some people want me to just drop out of their lives, or expect me to do just that. and it seems that they dont mind if i just fade into obscurity. like they've accepted it and are ready and already moving on. if thats the case, then why do you even give me the option. some seem to think im no good of a friend, that im too concerned with myself, and that ive just been hard to deal with. damn right im hard to deal with, but so are you and everyone else in the world. and the whole world could be raining down on us at this very moment, but id still reach to take you under the shade with me. and it just makes me sick that you'd be so ready and willing to trash what a special friendship we share. don't you even understand how that makes me feel. obviously not. so take my words for what their worth. how you read them is how you'll react. im still here, as always. and im not making any changes other than what i already have done since we talked. im doing my part, and you need to do yours. otherwise, i guess i will fade away like the end of a song, and you can wonder what ever happened to... over drinks someday with your wife and kids. im still here, remember that.

war within a breath

2004-04-01T18:23:49Z

come with me now, as i take you on a journey of the mind...

im so fucked up, that when i hear this girl speak or mention those she admires, i figure im not on her list. and while i know i dont warrant a position, it still bothers me, like i believe ive done something great or magnificent that i belong on her list. fact of the matter is, i have never and will never be the guy that she ever refers to or considers a source of inspiration or advice. im just holding out the hope that my dream can become simply that, a dream-like state of reality.

i swear, if i ever get back my blue jean, lord how happy could this man be.

midway upon the journey of our life
i found myself in a dark wilderness,
for i had wandered from the straight and true

superfly

2004-03-25T14:15:45Z

nerd are crazy. their music is so strange when you first hear it, but its so different that it starts to grab your attention, and pretty soon you're bumpin' those tracks through your day.

dont get me wrong though, i still don't like pharell.

get a chance, pop in the old rage against the machine cd's. they'll do you some justice.

god i'm sick of ESPN.

loneliness knows my name

2004-03-22T13:26:38Z

here i am
where i've been
walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin
my clothes are worn and gritty
and i know ugliness
now show me something pretty

was a dumb-struck kid with nothing to lose
and too much weight for walking shoes
could have died from being boring
and as for loneliness
she greets me every morning

but the mild summer glare
on the helpless side
it's hardly there
i'll be up inside
the door is busted
im the friend you need that cant be trusted.

----

two days to spring break.

the fucking letter 'a'

2004-03-16T08:00:59Z

ok, so i made the most shocking of discoveries this evening. every single girl ive ever seriously liked/done anything with, had a name ending with the letter 'a'.

the evidence speaks for itself. gl---a, s--a, va----a, me----a, ch------a, s----a,....

the list does go on.

breathe

2004-03-12T11:53:27Z

i like waking up to the sound of rain falling against the thin glass window that doesn't really insulate well at all. curled inside my beige sheets and comforter from lands end, i can't think of a single thing wrong with the world. it's too bad the moment is so fleeting. i linger in bed, but i must leave its security and warmth.

you know what else is beautiful? a standing car with its headlamps on in pouring rain. i like seeing the drops of rain reflect the high-powered xeon lighting. i love the sound of the heavy rain drops falling onto the hard concrete pavement.

and everything else disappears. whatever did or didn't happen last weekend. classes. grades. gpa. the future. the only thing that matters is how beautiful the world looks when seen through drops of rain.

i run towards a tree. one of the many that line campus drive. cupping my mouth, i whisper all my secrets into the barks of that tree. i whisper all the things that i could not say to you tonight, all the words that my mouth could not form. i put my hands against the wet, rough bark to feel for a pulse. in that moment, that tree seems more real than any person that i've ever met.... understands me more fully than any living man or woman. that tree is the only living thing that knows everything there is to know about me: my fears, my dreams, my joys.

i've left a part of me here in boston. coarsing through the tree's roots and branches and leaves are the secrets that i've left behind.

i move away quickly when i hear approaching footsteps and feign drunkeness to diffuse the awkward situation. the moment may never be repeated, but it's enough that it happened once. it's enough that for one moment i felt happier than under the influence of any substance or any person.

is happiness on the auction block?

2004-03-07T08:32:24Z

do you remember how we ended up here? when did everything fall apart? somewhere i took a wrong turn, and now i'm not sure where i am anymore. the way back is covered with thorns, but i'm scared to take this road forward. everyone says follow your heart and not your head, but there's a beautiful memorial somewhere at the bottom of a cliff for all the people who've fallen off, trying to follow this most capricious of organs.

i love the people around me, probably more than i love myself. i may forget from time to time, but i've lived a life full enough for fifty men... i've seen and experienced more than i deserve. they're memories still sweet enough to elicit a tear of immeasurable nostalgia. and that's probably why i can never reveal all of myself. how can i explain to someone how my life life is a trapestry woven by many different pairs of hands... how my life is a delicate mosaic of each memory, each friend, each tear, each laugh, each drink, each smoke, each prayer, each city, and every mistake i've made.

changes

2004-03-02T07:59:17Z

last night i dreamt that i was murdered. someone broke into the house, and i tried to escape through the upstairs bathroom window but wasn't fast enough. i was caught. someone plunged a large needle into my leg and drew out a large amount of blood. the needle was coated with something that prevented my blood from coagulating, and my hands were bound so i could not stop the bleeding.

i could feel a coldness come over me as i lost more and more blood. i struggled to speak, and felt increasingly weak. i remember worrying about the after-life and wishing i had spent more time at church. i remember my vision getting blurry, and finally i fell into this deep sleep.

this was the second "death" dream i've had recently. last time someone i knew died. this time it was me. the interesting thing is how vivid the whole experience was, so much so that i couldn't shake the memory after waking up. it felt so incredibly realistic that i truly believed i was dying. i remember thinking this was impossible, i can't die yet. what's disappointing is that i had no glimpse of the after-life. i was immediately resurrected. i died, i was resurrected, and then i read a report of the entire incident in a newspaper.

i also wonder if there's anything symbolic behind the gender of my assailant. it was a woman. these are troubling questions.

"what am i to you? tell me, darling, true... if my sky should fall, would you even call?"

the passion of christ

2004-02-29T23:41:16Z

oh my god man. that movie was so intense. for the first time in my life, im speechless. simply stunned. if you havent seen it then make sure you go check it out pronto tonto.